Parental Alienation hurts Children and Fathers

"Give PAS a chance"

I am presently working on a project aimed at helping fathers to handle the PAS situation and to bond better with their children (if thats needed) this includes counselling and education through literature. Understanding perceptions of PAS and focusing on the important stuff. I understand how complicted, formidable, emotional and frustrating this subject is...all ideas will be gratefully received
Steve on
0433 537 270
07-55938660
parentalalienation@gmail.com

The recent Brisbane case of the father that took *HIS* three children from school to his home has been handled dreadfully by the media, with cries of "safety for the children", this is the father of these children, not a kidnapper, why should he be excluded and vilified in this way, it was sickening the way the judge sent the media on a witch hunt to find him

As I state above - My son is back in my arms, ringing me, telling me he loves me. Its been the worst 6 months of my life. The person I married and once loved, lived with and had children with, to have so little value, with little understanding, or empathy for me and my relationship with my son, is shocking. My life will never be the same again, I am a different person now, this will never happen again because if she tries to alienate us again, my reaction will be different. My heart and hand goes out to all the men that are being denied access to their children because of a bitter and difficult divorce or for whatever reason this is happening to you. Make sure you are in a 'safe psychological place' first, then deal with it. if you need help please ring me at anytime, I've been to hell and back and its a journey I didn't navigate well. Now I thank her for the outcome because I am better for it and she, I guess, isn't.

My heart felt thanks to everyone who has supported me, listened to me whine on, wrote affidavits, character references, rang me up with advice, debbie who probably saved me from a possible meltdown, Sugar (a wise 90 year old lady, whom I love dearly), Helen, Maree, Alan, Joanna, Matt, Sally, Fiz, Jamie, Simon, Rob,Geoff, Dan, the fathers 4 equality group and dads in distress,
and everyone else who helped me keep my self together while all the while I was asking why! why! why!

why? - because she can and the law allows it to happen...Something has to change
I am now writing a book on this subject
love to all

To my ex-wife - what you think of me is none of my business, I hold no resentment or anger towards you or your parents. You know deep down and in your quietest moments, what you have done and that is you successfully, for 6 months broke the ties that bind me and my son together. I hope it has all been worth it. You refused 5 requests for independant mediation! and you stopped his email account so I could not contact him. Children, however never forget those that have loved them. Time will expose the truth. I now you keep blaming our son and I also hope one day you see through this error.

PLEASE READ MY STORY
AFTER READING THIS I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THE FOLLOWING;

"any attempt by a parent to alienate a child
from the other parent, should be
seen as a direct and willful violation
of one of the prime duties of parenting,
the punishment, public outcry, media attention
and legal ramifications, should
without question, be as focused as
any other instance of child abuse"

*PARENTAL ALIENATION IS NOT A GENDER ISSUE*

BOTH SEXES ALIENATE, HOWEVER, THE CUSTODIAL PARENT IS THE USUALLY THE ALIENATING PARENT AND THE NON-CUSTODIAL PARENT THE TARGET PARENT

NOT ONE EXPERT HAS PROVED TO ME THIS SYNDROME OR DISORDER CALLED PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME DOES NOT EXIST. BELIEVE ME ONCE IT'S HAPPENED TO YOU THE WAY IT HAS HAPPENED TO ME, YOU KNOW ITS REAL.

The relationship I had with my son was and is beautiful, with great communication and my-ex wife tried to destroy it. It feels like I am in a film and it's happening to someone else, I dream about my son, how his hair smells his smile the way we used to laugh together, the jokes we told each other. Now she says he was 'acting".

MY SON AND I ARE PRESENTLY BEING ALIENATED FROM EACH OTHER BY HIS MOTHER. HE HAS STARTED SUPPORTING HER NOW, WHAT CHOICE DOES HE HAVE? WE HAD A LOVING AND POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP AND THROUGH MONTHS OF SUBTLE DENIGRATION OF ME, INCLUDING CANCELLING MY VISITATIONS AT THE LAST MOMENT AND INVOLVING HIM IN CONVERSATIONS AND SITUATIONS THAT ARE NOT HIS BUSINESS, HE HAS FINALLY CAVED IN. HE NOW SUPPORTS THE ABUSING ALIENATING PARENT (HIS MOTHER), AS ABUSED CHILDREN OFTEN DO.

1. THERE IS NO HISTORY OF ABUSE OR VIOLENCE
2. I HAVE NEVER SMACKED OR HARMED MY SON IN ANYWAY
3. WE HAD AN AMICABLE DIVORCE
4. SOLICITORS WERE NOT INVOLVED
5. WE HAD A INFORMAL VISITATION AGREEMENT WE WROTE BETWEEN THE THREE OF US
6. SHE STOPPED THE C$A FROM TAKING MONEY FROM ME, I HAVE THEIR LETTER
7. SHE TOLD ME MY SON HAS BEEN ACTING WHEN HE IS WITH ME (HOW CRUEL IS THIS)
8. THE SIGNS WERE THERE THAT I WAS BEING PUSHED OUT AND DEVALUED BY HER AND HER PARENTS BUT I NEVER SAW THEM, UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, IT'S A LONG LONG PROCESS

I CAN'T TELEPHONE HIM, RING HIM, SEE HIM, OR WRITE TO HIM, SHE HAS CANCELLED HIS EMAIL ADDRESS. IF I DO SHE CLAIMS HARASSMENT AND ABUSE. SHE WON'T GIVE IN, SHE BELIEVES SHE OWNS HIM AND ALWAYS WILL, IN THE SAME MANNER HER PARENTS (WHO CAME FROM ENGLAND TO LIVE WITH US FOR 7 MONTHS OF THE YEAR AND NOW LIVE WITH MY-EX AND MY SON PERMANENTLY) OWN HER. SHE IS NOW MAKING SEVERAL FALSE ALLEGATIONS, MY FEAR IS SHE COULD MAKE A FALSE ALLEGATION TOO MANY AND DAMAGE MY ATTEMPT TO SEE MY SON. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? BECAUSE SHE CAN, BECAUSE SHE IS THE MOTHER WITH CONTROL OVER HIM. IT'S ABUSE OF THE CHILD AND FATHER. MOTHERS DO ABUSE CHILDREN IN MANY DIFFERENT FORMS, I AM SUFFERING FROM THE EFFECTS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION, IE LOSS AND GRIEF AND MOURNING FOR THE LOSS OF MY SON, WHO I HAVE NOT SEEN FOR 5 MONTHS NOW.

SHE IS DOING THIS BECAUSE IT WORKS FOR HER AND NO ONE FINDS OUT. IT'S OUTRAGEOUS THAT THIS CAN HAPPEN AND CHILDREN CAN BE ABUSED IN THIS WAY.

*FROM THE MOMENT I START PROTESTING I WAS ON A BAD ROAD TO HELL*

How is she alienating me from my son?
Two methods!

1. MY ATTEMPTS AT CONTACTING HER ARE SEEN AS HARASSMENT.
THROUGH THIS FALSE ALLEGATION SHE USES SOLICITORS LETTERS TO ALIENATE ME FROM BEING ABLE TO CONTACT HER TO ORGANISE TO SEE MY SON.
2. SHE CLAIMS THAT MY ATTEMPTS AT CONTACTING HIM CAUSES HIM DISTRESS. THIS FALSE ALLEGATION STOPS ME TALKING TO HIM! SO I BECOME ALIENATED FROM MY SON.
MANY MEN BECOME DEPRESSED, SUICIDE IS OFTEN AN OPTION. NOT ME THOUGH, I WILL FIGHT AND CONTINUE TO ATTEMPT TO SEE MY SON AS LONG AS I AM ALIVE

PLEASE CONTACT ME OR AND LEAVE ANY COMMENT YOU WANT ON THIS SITE AND LINK MY BLOG TO ANYWHERE YOU WANT - GET INVOLVED AND SUPPORT BRINGING AWARENESS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION TO THE WORLD. OFFER ME ADVICE, IT'S WELCOME.

• Write to your MP
• The Family Law Courts
• Teachers
• School Counsellors (for whatever use they are)
• your solicitor

Ask them what there opinions are on PAS, if they don't have one then educate them

IT IS A SICK SOCIETY AND A CORRUPT COURT SYSTEM THAT ALLOWS THIS TO HAPPEN. I BELIEVE THE COURTS TURN A BLIND EYE TO THIS FORM OF CHILD ABUSE. STATISTICS ARE NOW SHOWING MOTHERS ABUSE CHILDREN MUCH MORE THAN FIRST CONSIDERED. OVER 90 RECENT STUDIES IN MANY COUNTRIES HAVE SHOWN THIS TO BE TRUE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ THESE REPORTS THEN PLEASE CONTACT ME AT MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS:
parentalalienation@gmail.com

READ ON AND FOLLOW THE LINKS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THIS BLOG. UNDERSTAND HOW THE INSIPID AND VILE PROCESS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION IS USED ON CHILDREN AND FATHERS

*Support the presumption of equal parenting, it works*

First, I believe that many mothers or fathers who alienate children from a parent have a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Click the links on NPD on the right, it helped me understand the process and what type of person I was dealing with. Just because I lived with her for 15 years it doesn't mean I knew her, does it?

Psychologists say that 75% of Narcissists are men and 25% women. They also say that 1% of people are Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I have a very strong gut feeling that it is much higher than this.

Please go to the links at the top and read. A parent that is alienating a child and is showing 6 of the symptoms of NPD you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill and it is really crazy making for you to try to work out why they are doing what they do.

The children in the centre of this are unlikely to become Narcissists, just because the parent is, they can however, grow up to choose a Narcissist for a partner......acting out what they learned to deal with as a child. Malignant Self Love by Sam Viknan is a very worthy read.

Anti PAS Experts Show Resistance in Understanding my Story

Mothers Abuse Children and Fathers through

Parental Alienation

****Parental alienation is perpetrated by both parents, it is not a gender issue. It does however, happen most frequently to men as children most often stay with the mother, and she has the power to brainwash, manipulate and abuse the child****

If you can find the time and the interest please read my story. Contact me if you want to ask any questions on 0433 537 270 or 61+7+5593 8660

I wrote to Kids in Distress, Australia and explained my case, while I don't agree with all of what they say. here is there letter as it arrived. I thank them for the time and energy they took to contribute to my story. The kids in distress web link is at the right hand side index, they replied with the letter below, still I feel they mostly misunderstood my position.

Dear Steve,

We understand your situation. That is why we are taking the time to write a lengthy response to you. We ask only that try to understand that there are a myriad of facets in any relationship, especially so when children are involved. The studies we use are a genuine attempt to examine actual court processes and outcomes.

In that our site is unique. Many “men’s sites” have no links at all to any others that do not support their views in their entirety. We have excerpts from many sources including the many ‘fathers rights’ web sites and media articles that state many opinions.

Our comments regarding what is wrong with the family court also relate to concerns by the ‘fathers’ groups and were formulated after many discussions with them as well as social workers, child abuse experts and mothers. We have a good relationship with and communicate with many “men’s rights” advocates.

The practice of one parent withholding contact to a loved and loving other parent at any time, is, we agree, detrimental to a child’s well being. However, the focus of Kids In Distress Australia Inc is on contact and residency matters before the Family Court. We believe that everyone should be concerned about the lack of proper investigation into allegations of serious child abuse. The consequence of which is that the courts are ordering children spend unsupervised time with abusive parents or reversing residency to the person who the child has stated has abused them.

We want to make it clear at this point, that in the context of the family court, it is impossible to prove abuse. That is because the Family Law legislation does not support it. The Family Court is supposed to hand matters of child abuse back to the States, as per protocols in every state between the jurisdictions, but the current practice is for the State authorities to just “wash their hands” of the matter. Their resources are limited, and as is usual, the evidence of the child cannot be substantiated sufficiently to prosecute the offender. This dilemma for child victims occurs time and time again in all abuse matters, family or otherwise, as I am sure you are aware. Police investigators even have specific directions to view any abuse allegations raised by a separated parent with caution.

Although a child’s evidence is mostly seen as unsubstantiated, that does not mean the abuse did not happen. It means that it cannot be proved to the highest standard required in the legal sense. The Family Court implies, and some interest organisations say that unsubstantiated equals untrue. This is not the case. How many children, even adults, are abused by other people in their families or communities, yet the charges cannot be ‘substantiated’ and the perpetrator is not charged? If it happened to my child, or yours, we would be devastated. That is why abuse victims are often not able to get justice until they are adults, and able to face a court hearing.

Unfortunately there are several realities that we have to live with.

First is that people have the capability to lie, to be vindictive, abusive, aggressive, violent, manipulative and cruel – to each other – and to those weaker than themselves – often children. Why? Because people have done so since time began.

Second is that sexual and serious assaults occur between adults and are perpetrated on children on a daily, hourly, by minute basis. Biological parents are not excluded from this atrocity.

Just as your ex wife is doing the wrong thing by keeping your child from you, so to do unscrupulous fathers abuse their children and torment the mothers by doing so. It is a form of power and some seem to get a perverse satisfaction from holding that power. We fully acknowledge that the situation can and does occur in reverse.

The courts do not and are not supporting protective parents these days. The right of a child to know both parents, regardless of danger in so doing, is being held paramount. In reality, it is the right of the parent to the child that is being upheld regardless of the consequences. But the denigration and chastisement directed at protective parents within the family court are different for women and men.

When women state the disclosures of their child, they are said to have a mental illness – a syndrome, Parental Alienation Syndrome. The problem with PAS is that it is impossible to disprove once labelled. If it were a true syndrome, it would be diagnosed in men who are protective of their children and report a child’s disclosures regarding abuse from their mothers. But that is not what is occurring. It is only women thus labelled. The syndrome was devised by Richard Gardner, a man of no scientific credibility, who wrote of the benefits of child sexual liaisons, and made a fortune in the courts touting his theories. No accredited psychiatric council has ever endorsed his theories, but as they are close to what is actually the truth, ie, people do alienate each other from children if it suits them to do so, it became a useful tool in the battle for child custody for those who wished to deny their unsavoury behaviour towards their wives and children. Richard Gardner’s life ended when he committed suicide by his own hand.

We now know this. We did not believe it either. We have never experienced marital discord or abuse in our own families. But we sat in the back of a court room, time and time again, and we saw what we saw. We suggest you do the same. It’s the only way to know. Really know, what is going on today.

You have asked us to take from our website that which is offensive to you. We say, it is more offensive to have protective parents humiliated and degraded for their efforts to protect their children. It is sickening to realise that by virtue of the insidious growth of the Parental Alienation Syndrome culture within our Family Courts and Child Protection Systems that mothers who are trying to keep their children safe are labelled as mentally unstable, and fathers while not being labelled thus, are also losing care of their children to unsafe mothers.

And so, instead of justice and protection for our children, in our community we have vested interests perpetrating the never ending gender war – fathers –v- mothers, and not enough people are saying, “yes, I have been wronged …but I also acknowledge that abuse happens in other ways too . That abuse occurs in many forms. And all of it is wrong. And all of it needs to be addressed”. Too many are solely focused on what happened to THEM!!

What we need to concentrate on is not “him versus her” but on the protection of children who are at risk. We have to find a way to have the courts or social services investigate reports of abuse, especially on young children, that cannot give legally acceptable evidence.

We need to ensure that those situations where abuse is occurring are recognised and the children protected accordingly. If this is done properly, then the instances of ‘false’ allegations will be minimised. People who may be prone to this behaviour will know it will come to nought. The new legislation is very severe on parents who are found to be making ‘false’ allegations – but have no procedures to find if a report or belief of abuse is true. By default, any allegation in the family court will be found to be false. If you accuse your wife of being abusive, it will be seen as a false accusation – you (probably) won’t be able to prove it, and the court, even if presented with documents, may not accept them as evidence, and may (most likely) see your attempts to protect your son as evidence that you are not capable of being a ‘friendly parent”. Catch 22. On the other side, when the court orders contact and a protective parent fails to facilitate it, the penalties are harsh – harsher than many handed out for crimes far more heinous.

How will our vision of proper child protection occur? We don’t yet know. But we do know that a decent person like yourself, who obviously loves his child, and therefore has concerns for all children, will be shocked, just like we were, when you realise that the courts are not protecting vulnerable children. It took us a long time to understand. We had to see it with our own eyes. Hear with our own ears.

The stories on our web site have been verified. We have heard the words of a child saying what was done to him, the same child of the very mother who was castigated by the judge for listening to and believing her child and is now on a good behaviour bond for breaching (forced) contact orders. We were there when she was told if she did not sign ‘consent’ orders the court would take her child (3 years old) then and there – and place him in the care of a known drug user with psychotic delusions and no fixed place of abode. That is the truth. It shocked us to the core that our courts could stoop so low. The consent orders made mention of the possibility that the father might take one of these turns. Ludicrous!! In the child’s best interests?? Absolutely not!

We are told by our ‘men’s groups’ liaison persons that there are many good men, who are kept from their children by court order for no good reason other than they opened their mouths and stated that the mothers’ care was not suitable. BUT they have not been labelled with the syndrome and that is the great wrong being done to mothers.

(We are waiting for their stories and verification and will be publishing them on our web site when available). We have also asked for recent and verifiable stories from men who state they have been falsely accused and the courts refused them contact. To date we have none, and no such judgments are to be found on the legal data bases. As mentioned before, a finding of abuse just cannot be made in the Family Court, and if the judge states there are an unacceptable risk, those decisions are being overturned on appeal. Yet, we know that it happens. We know because we read of the little victims who die because of it. We know because when some of those little children become adults, they tell, and it is only by God’s grace that not all have to tell their stories while asking for leniency because the legacy from child abuse is often criminal activity.

Steve, what do we do to protect these children and those who are yet to come through the system? How do people like you get beyond your grief at being excluded from your son’s life? You who have to start the legal process, learn to be a ‘friendly parent’, attend mediation, and learn to live a new lifestyle in co-operation with your ex wife when you will never forget the pain you carry now?

How can a mother, who has been the subject of severe domestic violence and whose child is ordered into danger also recognise that some men are unfairly kept from their kids?

How can children who were ordered into their abusers household be effective responsible adults? We would not do it to an adult assault victim, why do we do it to children?

“The devil loves division” Let us work to heal that division. That is the only way.

We wish you all the best and ask that you keep us informed of your progress. Remember too, that your son will always be your son, and children do not forget who has loved them.

Yours in co-operation and understanding

Laurie & Linda and the members of Kids In Distress Australia Inc.

Many people tell of us of their experiences – what they have learned – and we share them with others, in hope that the insights might be useful. This information will soon be on our web site in the hope that it will be of use to many.

· Collate and maintain records of family interactions.

· Talk to the various legal help lines and the Family Court. Speak to several lawyers, many offer an hour free consultation. Get many opinions re your matter. Think about self representation if you have no funds or no access to legal aid. Others who have no more than basic education have untangled the complexities of self litigation.

· Write to the other party, either by lawyer or yourself and set out your concerns regarding contact. Send via registered mail so there is a record of postage and receipt. Do have this read by an independent person so emotional content is removed and the content is contained to factual events.

· Maybe seek mediation – that is mandatory these days for family court proceedings…check with family court for details.

· Try to have witnesses to events when you try to contact your child. This witness is best off not always being your partner who will be seen to be biased towards yourself.

· Seek independent counseling or emotional support for your feelings regarding what is happening. Clarity and independent thinking will help resolve issues with less angst.

· Take some time to go to the Family Court and observe. Sit in the back seats, watch and listen. You will learn more from a few days’ observations than any lawyer will tell you. Especially if you sit in on a contested contact matter, but ensure you know all restrictions that are upon you as part of that observation process.

This story is about the abuse my son and I are encountering right now. It is also about the DEPRIVATION of liberty both myself and my son are suffering. To alienate a father from his son is clearly psychological abuse of the child by the mother and grandparents, my son is being deprived of me, the father and vice versa. Isn't deprivation of liberty a crime, regardless of the age of the person?
ngland to live with us for 7 to 8 months of the year. My son herein will be called 'A'. It has taken 3 years of my ex-wife devaluing me as a father to alienate me from him

This is my story. It is a honest and true account of how my ex-wife alienated me from my only child. I have never neglected or even smacked my son. Up until October 2006 my son and I had a very positive, affectionate, communicative and loving relationship. Our divorce was also very amicable. I moved out of the family home in January 2004, under the strain of her extremely interfering, negative and trouble making parents who would openly devalue me to my son. They would stay at our family home for 6 to 7 months of the year causing mayhem in the marriage, they then followed their daughter from England and eventually moved in permanently. 'A' is a bright, articulate and very funny little boy, aged 12 1/2 as of February 2007.

How can a once loving 'mutual' relationship be reduced to the father being told I can't speak to, write to, email to, telephone, or visit my child. if I try to contact him I will be served a legal order prohibiting me from making any contact. This happens to fathers across Australia - why? because Mothers are usually the carers and they can influence the child to the point it becomes too hard for the child to deal with and the child makes a choice, Mom or Dad, at which point the Mother proclaims it is the childs choice and not hers. The child then defends the abusing parent and rejects the targeted parent. The mother may wish to control or hurt the father, or they want the father removed from their lives, they use their own children to do this. Let's get one thing straight, this is CHILD ABUSE. Make no mistake, no confusion or misunderstanding ....this is child-abuse. It has to be accepted as child-abuse by

• Solicitors
• Barristers
• Family Report writers
• Judges
• Parents
• Psychologists
• The Media. They are pretty much ignorant of PAS
• Politicians
• Teachers
• fathers
• Counsellors
• Carers

Parental Alienation Syndrome will become widely accepted as disgraceful abuse of children, it will be outlawed

The Aim of my story

• To bring awareness of the horrors of Parental Alienation to the world
  
• For PAS to be crime and accepted as such in society
  
• The presumption of equal parenting for fathers
  

The Story so Far

I received a letter from the Child Support Agency on October16th 2006 which stated that my ex-wife had requested to them that I cease paying her any more money as from that date. I thought this was a strange request so I rang her and asked why, she replied that she did not like me knowing her private income (approx $80.000 +)

How did this come about

I picked 'A' up for our day together at the end of October. He asked if we could play soccer and basketball first so we went to the park and did this. We then went for lunch and to the record store. We found we had an hour to spare so we stooped at a horse show we were driving past, in the adjoining field was a cemetery. We walked, holding hands through the cemetery at 4pm, talking and laughing as he made fun about my 'outie' belly button having it's own gravitational pull. We went to the car where his mother was waiting and as he got in her car he said "Ive had a great day Mum:. I hugged him and off they went.

In mid November she rang at the last minute to cancel my visitation. (Canceling at the last moment was something she did frequently) They were going on holidays 2 weeks later, which meant I would not see him for 6 weeks. I rang her and arranged to see him for a few days when they got back on December 15th 2006, she agreed to this, and even suggested it. That day came and I got no answer when I rang them over 10 times, no replies to my 6 emails and 6 texts asking for her or him to ring me and sort out my visitations. I considered they might have left the country, or moved interstate. After 4 days she rang me and said"Get Over Him" he does not wish to see you any more, she was cold and being very unemotional, she said I was harassing her. It was like she was a stranger and I had never known this person for the last 20 years. I begged her to participate in encouraging our relationship and to see him, to which she replied "I will do what 'A' wants, not you".

I asked to speak to him and he came on the phone and was like a totally different child, he copied her words but was stumbling all over the place and suddenly the phone went down. I have not seen my son since Early November. Where was that boy who had arranged to go go-karting with me when I saw him next?..how can this happen?

I was stunned and speechless and in shock. Three days later I received a solicitors letter stating I had severly distressed my son by walking through a graveyard at 4pm, I had made him take a cross off his neack (total lies) and had denegrated his mother (again lies)

My Son has Disappeared from view, I am grieving for my son. He is being abused by a vindictive mother

Losing a child is a massive blow and one that brings horrific grief and feelings of loss. I have endured disbelief, shock , anger, sadness, terrible feelings of injustice and loneliness. There is no closure to this, I may not be able to see him but he is still there in my heart all the time. This is torture and mothers that perpetrate this Parental Alienation show little kindness for humanity or maternal feelings for their child. The only empathy they feel is for themselves. This is similar to a sudden death and as my ex-wife said "just get over him". Society as whole seems to have a poor grasp of Parental Alienation and the mechanisms of PAS that can make a child turn against their father who they very recently had a loving relationship with

Bereavement Without End

The death of a child is indisputably one of the most incredibly horrible tragedies one can imagine. Whether by sudden accidental circumstance, or by a more lengthy cause as in illness, the loss of a child is undeniably painful to experience.Painful to the parents, parents to the family, and painful to anyone related to the child.

Never knowing the laughter of that child again or the tears, the joys and the accomplishments is a pain no parent should ever have to endure, and yet it happens. No one is to blame. It just happens. Imagine the same pain and the same sense of loss, with one exception-the parent is very much aware that the child is alive.

The effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome are very similar to the loss of a child due to accident or illness. For the parent who has been alienated from their child, the bereavement does not end. How do we know? Each alienated parent separately, and all of us collectively have lived with both the cause and the effect of Parental Alienation for countless years. Like a terminally fatal childhood disease, Parental Alienation rips the innocent child from your arms slowly. You witness the suffering. You witness the effects. You can feel the impending doom is inevitable, but you are powerless to do anything about it. You try remedy after remedy hoping that one will finally rid your child of the "disease". You work like a person possessed in order to finance the efforts, and when the final blow comes, it is emotionally devastating. You question yourself. You blame yourself for the loss. You tell yourself you should have done more. The very sad part of the story, is it is not unique. There are hundreds of thousands of children and parents affected by PAS.

We beg of those with the power to make people aware of this devastatingly horrible phenomena, to please do all they can to educate people on its effects, and to change the laws to protect the innocence of the children involved. Only then can we truly hope to keep children safe from the harmful side effects that are inherent with Parental Alienation itself. It's killing the spirit of family everywhere.

The real victim

My son may or may not get to have a dad and he will lose the positive influence I had in his life.

Bettina Arndt's Article Slamming the ABC

Below is a text version of Bettina's Arndt's article, slamming FemiNasty Aunty (the ABC) for dishonesty and bias. This time, they lied by claiming that Parental Alienation was thoroughly discredited"

The American psychological association has an official position of ""Rhea K. Farberman, Executive Director of Public and Member Communications of the American Psychological Association, these claims are "incorrect" and "inaccurate." Farberman says that the APA "does not have an official position on parental alienation syndrome - pro or con."

Journalist, Bettina Arndt is one of the great supporters of children, fathers and families, and deserves our respect. The slowly dying Baby-Boomer papers (the Sydney Morning Feminist and the Melbourne Middle-Age) don't print her stuff anymore. "The Australian" and the "West Australian" newspapers is less biased.

One-eyed look at tug of love

BETTINA ARNDT

4 March 2007

Sunday Tasmanian (and the West Australian "Aunty Brainwashed on Parental Alienation")

ABC management is supposedly watching out for bias and distortion. They should take a hard look at Radio National's Background Briefing. For one-eyed, ideologically driven agendas, this documentary series would be hard to beat. Take the recent program on parental alienation in custody cases.

Talk to people and you'll find most know of acrimonious divorce cases where one parent has attempted to alienate the children from the other parent. It happens often.

Usually it's the custodial mother who is influencing the children but now that more fathers are having significant access there are men behaving equally badly. Parental alienation exists -- that's a no-brainer.

But what is more controversial is whether this brainwashing of children amounts to a psychological disorder, as was suggested more than 20 years ago by American psychiatrist Richard Gardner.

Gardner proposed that parents deliberately programming children to hate the other parent -- Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS -- was only one of the many complex family patterns that can result in alienated children.

PAS became widely acknowledged as a common part of the divorce story.

The issue of whether there really is PAS has recently come under question, with experts quarrelling over whether it makes it onto the various lists of mental disorders.

That's why Background Briefing decided to weigh in, arguing that PAS has now been discredited yet claiming it is still being used in the Australian Family Court to remove children from their mothers and hand them over to abusing fathers. What a load of hogwash.

Gardner did suggest that in rare cases of PAS -- perhaps 10 per cent -- the hatred and distorted thinking of the alienating parent was such that it was sometimes better to remove the child, where, for instance, a child was dragged through repeated examinations following false allegations of sexual abuse.

Lawyers defending fathers against such false allegations do use Gardner's theory to argue for a change in custody, with some success in the US.

But Background Briefing takes this further by digging up a dubious US expert who claimed PAS had become a cancer in their family court, resulting in experts recommending five-year-old children be handcuffed and removed from the "protective" parent and handed over to fathers who have sodomised them.

Such scaremongering stories are far from the reality in the Australian courts. It is extremely rare that our courts ever rule that children be removed from custodial parents.

It just doesn't happen unless there is overwhelming evidence that the parent is unfit -- as the Chief Justice Diana Bryant pointed out in the program -- but her voice was drowned out by people claiming, without any proper evidence, that she was wrong.

For much of the program, Background Briefing revised the tired old issue of whether there are false claims of sexual abuse. These often are at the heart of PAS cases because the alienating parent uses them to try to discredit the other parent.

It glossed over a comment by Professor Kim Oates pointing out false accusations are far higher in custody cases, where they usually stem not from children but from a parent.

It suggested women are always victims and that the courts are manipulated by dangerous men keen to damage their own children. Instead of this tired old propaganda, why don't these radio producers wake up to the real news -- that children's matters are now to be largely kept out of the courts and dealt with by mediators aiming to help parents stop all these games.

Support my campaign to stop physical punishment of children

Govts urged to make

smacking children illegal

The Australian Childhood Foundation is calling for laws to ban parents from smacking their children.

It has released a survey of 720 adults that shows 45 per cent of participants believe it is okay to leave a mark on a child as a result of physical punishment.

The foundation's chief executive, Joe Tucci, says the law needs to be changed to provide more protection for children.

"We'd like to see all state governments repeal the defence of lawful correction, which means that children will be given the same protection under law as adults to charges of assault," he said.

"What we have to do is try to change the mind-set of the community by changing the law to make sure that people no longer see physical punishment as an effective disciplinary strategy."

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More Parental Alienation

I tried to contact my son from December 16th 2006 for 4 days, emailing, telephoning writing, there was no answer, I was very concerned. His mother then claimed my attempts at contact were harassment. This is the first mechanism she used to alienate me from my child. On January 16th I get a letter from her solicitor saying they will fight vigorously to stop me seeing my son. Then today February 19th 2007 I get a letter from the same cowboy solicitor saying my ex-wife is encouraging my son to see me. So why the two conflicting letters?...this is all part of the game of alienating me from my son.

Rule Number 1. It is not me that is crazy and I keep telling myself this fact.

It is normal that children will defend the alienated parent from the targeted parent. Child often protect the abuser.

The Dilemma

Do I not take action and wait for my son to eventually come around and contact me. This is one option that may or may not work. It might take years before he feels strong enough to contact me, I might die in the meantime, he might never come around - depending on the strength of the outside influence he is receiving from his mother and grandparents. Also I will be losing the right to see my son.

or

Do I fight this through the courts and risk having all the dirty horrible stuff from all our pasts dragged out in the courts, along with the possibility of pushing him further away. The only people who win here are the legal people, who act like vultures with children in the family law courts. It's not about justice its about money. Mothers can make false allegations and tell lies in affidavits and get away with it in the family court.

Indications that PAS was happening to me

In 2002 'A' came to me and said that Grandma was 'trouble making' as she wants to go to the park, but only if I (his father) did not come. This clearly upset A. I confronted them and a unpleasant argument started. They refused to leave my house, they refused to leave my wife and I alone to sort out these problems, they refused to apologise to A or me or to J. This is one example of how they denigrated me to A. I would often catch them pulling faces behind my back and when I asked J to ask them to stop they would deny they were doing it.

When I would pick my son up at our visitation time, we would drive for an hour. He would talk, almost every visit about how his grandad was racist and how he was calling me names and critising me. That Grandma was moody and would go in the bedroom with her arms folded and make him feel guilty, he also said he could never win an argument with his mother and felt he had three parents now. He would ring me up and whisper down the phone that they are upsetting him.

My ex-wife seemed to dislike it when I said A and I had a great time together. She would get displeased at me buying him gifts, especially if she thought they were expensive (which they were not). A was doing a camera project at school and wanted to learn about 35m SLR camers so I bought him a Pentax camera from Ebay for $45.00 and a lense for $30 and we went into the country way and took photos together, we both had a great day playing in the creek and having fun. When I got back to A's house, my ex-wife asked A to go inside and she had a go at me for "spending money on him", I explained it was none of her business and it was not expensive any how to which she didn't seem to believe me.

Further indications of PAS

'A' would periodically come down to my home on the Gold Coast and play with my partners children. He got on very well with my partner and would hug her and tell her he loved her. This was also denied by my ex-wife as untrue. It seems anything she can do to discredit or manipulate the truth regarding my visitations with A, she will.

PAS Comments my ex-wife has made. The signs were there and I missed them. I trusted my ex-wife to do the right thing by our child

"Get over him"
"take a look in the mirror"
"he is over you"
"he doesn't want you any longer"
" if you make any contact this is harassment"
"why didn't you send his present"
so I did, and three days later..a letter that said
"you have been harassing me"
"why is your mother bothered about A, she hasn't seen him since he was 3 1/2"
"I never received a xmas present for A from your sister"
J then sent a card to my mothers saying "thanks for the xmas present from my sister"
"if my parents die A is not going to you for you to look after"
"if you come home to live I will tell my parents to go away and not visit here for ever"
"if you get your new partner pregnant it will be the end of us for ever"
"A, has been acting all this time and has never ever liked being with you"
"your sister and brother don't care about him"
"I don't want you to come to school functions"
"can you sign over your tax rebate to me" (I did)
"A wont stay over night with you on visitations so you can only see him for one day a fortnight"
"bring him back by 4pm because i have work to do"
J would often cancel visitations at the last minute
I once took A to a birthday party of a boy aged 11 and his father had a water slide, J said to me, "who are these people" in a very derogatory manner
J's previous claims of abuse have stopped and now because I was trying to get in touch with my son she is calling this harassment
I asked if I could go camping with 'A' and my ex-wife said "No Way"
I asked where the mobile phone went I bought him, as I turned round I saw her laughing
'A' would constantly ask when my partner and I would be getting married
He would ask personal stuff about money, details of the divorce,
he became rather negative in the last few months, making derogatory comments to me, that were unwarranted.
She asked about why I did not pay CSA payments, when she had already wrote to them and asked for me to stop payments.

Chain of events

October 16th 2006, I received a letter from Child Support Agency informing me that 'J' has requested that I stop paying money for 'A'.

Middle of November 2006 'J' rings up and cancels my visitation with 'A' at the last minute. It will be four weeks since I see my son.

"J' rings me and exlpains she and 'A' are going on holiday for two weeks from December 1st 2006 and won't be back until December 16th..this would be now 6 weeks since I saw my son, she offers to bring him down to the gold coast to see me for two or three days when they return on 16th.

The 16th arrives and I telephone to arrange to see my son. no answer
I also send an email
I also leave a message on her mobile
The 17th arrives I do the same again as on the 16th
The 18th arrives, I do the same again as on the 16th and 17th
I ring her house and her mother answers the phone and abruptly says "I don't know where he is and when he will be back"
'J' finally telephones me to say "I have been harassing her" and that I have to "get over him", and he is "over me".
I send an email to my son to see what is happening - no reply
I email her - No reply
I write to her - no reply
I then receive a solicitors letter on 23rd December saying I am abusing and harassing my ex-wife?
I get a solicitor to write to her solicitor and refute all claims of abuse and harassment.
5 weeks later I rang 'J' and have a very civil conversation on the phone in which we discuss 'A', she asks why I didn't send his xmas present, I explained because she had sent a letter saying It would be seen as harassment. She said well now he thinks you do not care!!!!!!
I sent his present immediately and three days later got a solicitors letter claiming I was further harassing her. I took the bait.

Symptoms of Parental Alienation
Douglas Darnall, Ph.D., 1997

To prevent the devastating effects of Parental Alienation, you must begin by recognizing the symptoms of PA. You will notice that many of the symptoms or behaviors focus on the parent. When the child exhibits hatred and vilifies the targeted parent, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. After reading the list, don't get discouraged when you notice that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let the list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.

1. Giving children choices when they have no choice about visits. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when the court order says there is no choice sets up the child for conflict. The child will usually blame the non-residential parent for not being able to decide to choose whether or not to visit. The parent is now victimized regardless of what happens; not being able to see his children or if he sees them, the children are angry.

2. Telling the child "everything" about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they are "just wanting to be honest" with their children. This practice is destructive and painful for the child. The alienating parent's motive is for the child to think less of the other parent.

3. Refusing to acknowledge that children have property and may want to transport their possessions between residences.

4. Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities.

5. A parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.

6. Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child's needs. The alienating parent may also schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish.

7. Assuming that if a parent had been physically abusive with the other parent, it follows that the parent will assault the child. This assumption is not always true.

8. Asking the child to choose one parent over another parent causes the child considerable distress. Typically, they do not want to reject a parent, but instead want to avoid the issue. The child, not the parent, should initiate any suggestion for change of residence.

9. Children will become angry with a parent. This is normal, particularly if the parent disciplines or has to say "no". If for any reason the anger is not allowed to heal, you can suspect parental alienation. Trust your own experience as a parent. Children will forgive and want to be forgiven if given a chance. Be very suspicious when the child calmly says they cannot remember any happy times with you or say anything they like about you.

10. Be suspicious when a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child's name or suggests an adoption.

11. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details.

12. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive and reinforce an on-going alienation.

13. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent's own se, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the victimized parent.

14. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child's visitation.

15. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" to have fun with their other parent.

16. The parent asking the child about his/her other parent's personal life causes the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents.

17. When parents physically or psychologically rescue the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienation.

18. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders.

19. Listening in on the children's phone conversation they are having with the other parent.

20. One way to cause your own alienation is making a habit of breaking promises to your children. In time, your ex-spouse will get tired of having to make excuses for you.

PLEASE READ MY STORY - LEAVE ANY COMMENT YOU WISH AND LINK THIS BLOG TO ANY WEBSITE YOU WISH - GET INVOLVED AND SUPPORT BRINGING AWARENESS OF PAS TO THE WORLD

SUPPORT THE PRESUMPTION OF EQUAL PARENTING
IT WORK'S

What’s Wrong with the Family Court

1. The Family Court of Australia systematically discriminates against Dads.

2. The Family Court has been alienating children from their Dads for over 30 years (the current Family Law Act was introduced in 1975).

3. The Government has said that it has made the biggest changes (amendments of July 2006) to the Family Law Act since its inception in 1975 in order to allow Dads to play a more meaningful role in the lives of their children. The Government wants to give the impression that Dads can now have half residency of children. The truth is that the new amendments only stipulate “Equal Responsibility”. “Equal Responsibility” sounds good in theory but in practice it means little. Besides, “Equal Responsibility” was already in the legislation before the July 2006 Amendments. As a senior Family Court official said, the 2006 amendments are merely a “repackaged brief.”

4. The Family Court system is very formal and adversarial. As such, it tends to amplify conflict between separated parents more than it defuses conflict. As a result, it regularly damages the chances of reconciliation between separated parents, with devastating impacts on the children.

5. The Family Court has a policy that if there is any evidence of conflict then Equal Parenting no longer becomes an option. This gives an incentive for the mother to create conflict. Instead of penalizing parents who behave inappropriately, the Family Court fosters inappropriate behaviour by the parent most likely to get custody (usually mothers). It sends the wrong signal.

6. The Family Court system is not accountable. While it is true that members of the public can sit in on proceedings (and this must remain), it releases few statistics on outcomes. There is virtually no right of Appeal since Appeals are heard by a panel of Family Court judges who are “reluctant to overturn a ‘discretionary’ decision of another judge”.

7. A Family Court case that goes to a Final Hearing typically takes two years or more. This two years of uncertainty represents two years of stress, of posturing between the parents, two years of manipulating the truth, sometimes involving contrived Domestic Violence Orders (DVOs) – all of which impacts on children. This time frame needs to be reduced from two years to two months approximately.

8. Transcripts of proceedings cost about $1,000 per day of hearing. So for a typical three day hearing a parent would need to spend approximately $3,000 for the transcripts !

9. The government introduced the Family Relationship Centres because they recognize the adversarial nature of the Family Court system is inappropriate and creates conflict. The government has stipulated that neither parent can consult a Family Law solicitor before they have been to a mediation session at a Family Relationship Centre. This is in recognition that Family Law solicitors ‘up the ante’ and generate conflict as they are part of the adversarial system, and it is in their interest to ‘up the ante.’ However, the Family Relationship Centres will remain a toothless tiger until we have a Presumption of Equal Parenting, because mothers already know they can wait out the three hour mandatory mediation session in the Family Relationship Centre so they can continue with their solicitor in the Family Court and get their 70% property and 70% residency

10. Solicitors typically charge $20,000 - $50,000 for full Family Court case. While the Family Court holds two conciliatory conferences before the Final Hearing, solicitors are present, and some solicitors have been known to actively undermine chances of reaching an agreement.

11. judges often look to Family Reports of Child Psychologists when making decisions on residency. The Family Reports in turn are usually based on an interview with each parent (about 1 hr 45mins) and an ‘observation’ of the parent interacting with the child(ren). This observation is so brief, unnatural and contrived, yet the psychologists ‘observations’ can determine the child’s access to their father for the next ten or fifteen years or more.

1. The Family Court says that it is not interested in the rights of parents but is only interested in the best interests of children. The tragic irony is that in alienating children from their Dads and in submitting separating parents to a very expensive and highly adversarial system, in many cases irreparably damaging an already strained relationship between them, it has acted against the best interests of children. This is demonstrated by the government attempts to find an alternative.

2. We now recognize that the State had no right to remove Aboriginal children from their parents where there was no evidence of abuse or neglect. The Stolen Generation is a tragic example of the State believing it knows what is in a child’s best interests above the parents. What right does that State have to extinguish the rights of parents when they separate ? On the contrary, the best interests of children are served when the rights of parents to bring up their children are respected. Mums have a right to bring up their children. So do Dads. In fact they have an equal right. Surveys show that children overwhelmingly prefer equal access to their parents following separation.

3.Being a single parent is stressful and stress doesn’t help good parenting. Allowing equal parenting time gives both parents the chance to ‘recharge their batteries’ and give quality time to their children when they are with them.

What We Need To Do About It

Presumption of Equal Parenting Time

1. We need to introduce a policy of a Presumption of Equal Parenting Time*. A ‘presumption’ means that exceptions can be made where there is evidence of abuse or neglect by the mother or father, or where there are intractable practical problems (eg living in different cities etc).

2. The Family Court system needs to be available only as a last resort. Family Relationship Centres need to be designed and equipped to be able to resolve residency and property issues arising from family separation.

3. More funding needs to be given to the network of Family Relationship Centres because the three hours currently allotted to sort out issues is ridiculously little.

4. The Family Relationship Centres need to be made transparent and accountable.

5. An independent review system needs to be established to investigate claims of bias or incompetence either in the Family Relationship Centres or the Family Court system.

6. Transcripts of discussions in Family Relationship Centres and proceedings in the Family Court need to be available to both parents at a reasonable cost (eg $2 per hour of discussion).

Where a parent doesn’t want or cannot manage Equal Parenting Time, they wouldn’t be obliged to look after their children but could pay Child Support to compensate. Also, where there is evidence of abuse or neglect, or major practical problems, Equal Parenting wouldn’t be an option.